Side B of Me...Again

A while ago I wrote a blog post which discussed my dreams and a hidden personality I have of sorts that loves dressing up in high heels, donning layer upon layer of over sized vintage jewelry. That girl who isn't afraid to show the camera her emotions, to bring to life those crazy dress designs in her head, to drape herself across antique furniture, fixing the camera with a stare that speaks volumes and makes one wonder, could this be the same the same shy girl who drifts soundlessly through the halls of her campus, meeting peoples gazes with a tentative smile? Who's voice is quiet and a rare occasion? Who's deepest dreams and most inner thoughts escape only through her writing?

But this time, I'm not talking about one of my lesser known creative sides - which most often emulate themselves into the characters I create in stories - I'm talking about my clothing preferences! Now maybe it's totally cliche for me to talk about clothes, but frankly, I love to shop! And one thing I've noticed about myself is that I'm literally subconsciously - or inadvertently perhaps - drawn to the most expensive items in the store. Some would call it a gift, for what? Recognizing quality? Or merely a gift at emptying my wallet hypothetically before I even hit the cash register? Now I don't want to make myself out to be a spending freak, although frankly, when I spot an item I like, price is one of the last things I look at. Not an effective way for a college student living on campus to shop, I know. But there it is, folks.

Well anyway, enough about my flare for spending and even bigger flare for an attraction to particularly expensive clothes. What I really wanted to talk about tonight are my different personalities by way of how I dress. Let me explain. When I still lived at home and went to school, on Saturday morning, I would throw on my stretched-out, pilly sweater and even more stretched out sweatpants and start cleaning. Granted, these are clothes one usually wears when cleaning, but on Saturday I usually end up wearing clothes I save for the inside of the house.

Now I know there's people that wear such things out in public, and there's nothing wrong with that. Some people feel their best in comfy clothes like Uggs, sweatpants and over sized sweatshirts. And on some level, I envy them, being so low-maintenance and all. Not that I myself are high maintenance. At least...I don't think I am! The only thing I take meticulous care to do every day is straighten my hair. I hate it's natural waviness and tendency to stay put however I blow-dried it like a giant, curling wave frozen halfway above the surface of the water. On days when I know I'm not going anywhere, or again on the weekends, I won't straighten my hair, just to give it a break, but also because it feels good just to throw on what I call my comfies and not have to wake up two hours before I have to be somewhere just to do my hair and get ready.

That's the thing about me, if I have an event, or somewhere to go, I'll usually take more care to dress up. Granted, going to your classes and general walking around isn't much of an event, per se, but it's reason enough for me to think about what I'm going to wear. What's been killing me lately is that I'm forgetting to throw on earrings and necklaces. I am a sucker for jewelry, especially vintage, over sized pieces. So why do I keep forgetting to put it on? That's a question for later, folks.

But there's another side of me, Side B, you might say. That side of me wishes to dress up in waist-high pencil skirts, with a wide patent leather belt, high heels and a fancy dress shirt. That side of that wants to brave the winter cold in a plaid-printed dress, wool tights, knee-high boots, a thick sweater and a long petticoat on top. Yes, yes, you may be reading this and thinking, she does have a flare for expensive clothing! What can I say? It's something I can neither deny for myself, or of myself. It's just there. Albeit I hate long sleeves and how constrictive they are - not to mention the fact that they elbow-out, ugh! - I absolutely love scarves, sweaters and boots. Granted I have plenty of scarves, and enough sweaters to keep me happy - almost! - I don't have nearly as many pairs of boots as I'd like. Now I know we should be satisfied with what we have, and don't get me wrong, I am. I'm grateful for my comfortable and warm, fur-lined boots. But there's so many outfits my mind conjures up for every season as if it were deftly plucking certain ingredients from each and mixing them together until the taste was just right. Only problem is, my wallet scuffs at such outfits, wagging a finger in my face for being so foolish.

I think that's all part of being female, and a woman, though, isn't it? We always yearn for those outfits singing up at us from magazine ads, or backlit gloriously from a storefront window. We go to the store and pair together articles of clothing, imagine ourselves wearing those sky-high heels with the leopard print, or those knee-high boots or anything in between. I'll admit, even though I only own one pair of heels - and their wedge sandals that kill my feet, but whatever, they're the most fashionable shoes I have, so to hell with comfort! - I envision myself walking in that pencil skirt, and a dress shirt that actually fits, with my heels clicking on the floor. One question that comes to my mind when I think of myself wearing such outfits is, who would I be dressing for? And the answer is...myself! I know I'm not currently looking for a boyfriend, and certainly not in the near future, so that's not the answer. But because I'd be dressing for myself, what part of myself would I be satisfying?

Side B of me, of course! That side that I keep hidden in the secret passageway within an old house's walls, that passageway that I found early on in life, when I first began to write and explore a part of me so inexplicably huge but yet so easily concealed from those in my everyday life. It's like the ice-berg effect used in Psychology. On the surface you only see that small lump of ice but underneath that liquid barrier is the rest of that iceberg big enough to tear a gaping wound into the likes of the Titanic. Sometimes those brave enough to dive below the surface can catch a glimpse, or perhaps it's offered up to them, but blink, and you'll miss it.

As little girls, I'm sure many of us loved playing dress up, and I'm sure I was no exception. I can remember vaguely rummaging around in mildewed chests in my relatives and my parent's basements and attics, thinking how cavernous they were, and how the layer of clothes fell into the hole you were digging in, like dry sand spilling around you, or water lapping at the edges of your sand castle. Maybe such a tendency has carried on into my adult life, and taken a new form. Or perhaps it all ties into my passion for flamboyant Victorian-style homes, and the dresses and jewelry of that era. Someday I hope to wear a dress as elegant as the one's the women in that era wore so long ago, if only to catch a glimpse of their world, and how it feels to step back in time alongside the Victorian house I one day hope to own.

Once again I have tied in old houses. But just like my passion for writing, it is an indelible part of me, one I can't help but invite into all of my blog posts, and many other aspects of my life as well. To give you one more example of my dressing habits...this Friday I'll be leaving for Michigan where I'll enjoy the company of relatives I haven't seen since July. All week I've been saving my favorite articles of clothing - sweaters, shirts, and yes, even jeans! - for the trip. I've even sketched together an outfit for Friday in my mind. Yes, I know. It may sound strange, and overly enthusiastic because after all...they're just clothes right? Yes, that's true. But to me part of my detail-oriented self involves planning out outfits. Hell, in middle school I used to lay out what I was going to wear the night before. Which come to think of it, as I stand for a few minutes in front of my closet now...might be a time-saving option I should re-employ. But anyway, I'll leave my thinking-out-loud moments for after this blog post is complete. That is, if it ever reaches that point!

Whatever my obsession for planning ahead the outfits I'll wear for occasions whether it be another day of classes, a blessed trip to see relatives, or even a much-needed weekend trip home, I don't think of it as an obsession or side-effect of my detail-oriented mind at all but just another song in the soundtrack of Side B of me.